Cry me a river

The past few days have been a complete emotional nightmare. Around a fortnight night ago we learned that my husband would need a triple heart bypass. A complete shock for us all as a family and a life changing event for all involved.Which has brought tears on many an occasion.

I have spoken previously about my complete fear of anything medical, when we were going through corrective foot surgery for my daughter just a small number of months ago. So it would seem that someone, somewhere is trying very hard to rid me of my fear.

I was a complete jumble of mixed emotions fearful for my husband to endure such a painful, risky procedure and heartache about the risks involved.

Once the harsh news was broken about the severity of my husbands condition all routines and life as we knew ceased to exist. To be honest a lot of our lives had changed to adapt to Alistair’s symptoms – tiredness, shortness of breath etc whilst tip toeing round irritability and worry on his part too. We seems to go from an organised, dependable strong family unit to a jumbled mess.

In among the mixed up happenings of life I was able to secure a babysitter (My wonderful supportive Mum)to enjoy a night just me and my fabulous husband – to celebrate his 39th birthday.

A beautiful night full of laughter good food and even better wine was had, fears discussed and plans for dealing with our future put in place.This short evening had given us the opportunity to think collectively as a couple and in turn put each other at ease with the madness which had so quickly become our reality.

We were given a date for the actual operation and it was then that I began to experience insomnia. I would be dead on my feet after a busy day of dealing with 6 lively children and a poorly husband but I just could not sleep. My mind was in overdrive. I tend to over think the most trivial of happenings but this major issue looming in front of us in our not too distant future had me consumed.I admit crying myself to sleep on more than one occasion my husband asleep beside me unaware.

I wanted to go with my husband and show him the support he so rightly needed upon admission to hospital. Even though the smell and clinical atmosphere of hospitals make me sick to my stomach my place was to be right by his side, for richer, for poorer in sickness and in health.

It was a long and exhausting day full of many moments of extreme emotion. Worry, panic, fear, apprehension circled all of us involved as we meet various medical professionals who would be attending to my most favourite person on the planet.I had a low pulling feeling in my chest as if you had misplace or lost something and not knowing where to find it. The hardest thing I have ever had to do was leaving my strong, brave, precious husband behind that evening I was glad of the support from my in – laws that evening.

The day of the procedure seem a bit of a blur to me, even though it was just a few days ago. I remember crying, crying and crying a little more. The fragility of my emotions lead me to just wanting to stay in my wee bubble in my house which I share with my wonderful family. Too frightened of the emotions breaking through during nursery / school runs I believed it was the best thing to do.

Once I was made aware of the success of the operation and that my soul mate was to be ok it was like a huge pressure had lifted off my shoulders and let me breathe a bit more easier. We had agreed that I would not attend the hospital whilst Alistair was in ICU as i think the visions of him in such horrific circumstances would have haunted me for the rest of my life. I also had to ensure the children were supported and at that specific time they needed their Mum just as much as I needed them.

The next day we were reunited in HDU which I was petrified to even enter. I had to look beyond the wires and medical equipment which were connected to monitors and medicine and focus on the wonderful individual who had helped me learn to love again, made me a wife and given me the most wonderful gift of our beautiful children. Suffering from pain and still groggy it was amazing just to be able to hold hands and have that connection with each other again. I was also able to present him with our family homemade gift of a hug, made using all our hand prints and a piece of ribbon. This activity kept the whole family busy before dinner the previous evening.

We were all delighted by my brave mans recovery and it was not long that he was able to join the ward and begin his road to recovery. I noticed my children were a bit out of sorts and the essential things needing done in the house were spiraling out of control. Mountains of washing and dishes needing washed. SO i chose to forfeit my visit to the hospital take stock of what needed done and get on with it. This was hard as obviously the only place I truly wanted to be that day was by his side.

This run of events and ordeals to cope with had in turn done something positive. I feel I have regained a large chunk of my self confidence which has been missing for such a long time. I had the faith in myself that I could do things and I will cope. Today our adventure was all 7 of us visiting Dad in hospital. Taxis and trains taking us to the head of family which is exactly where we all should be. Seeing the smiles of both my children and the man I love as they saw each other again was priceless. A truly wonderful visit full of positivity and family love.

I felt full of good energy and relaxed as travelling home with my small brood. All was well – my husband was recovering and importantly I was coping with it all. We were lucky enough to catch an awesome sunset on the way home. Truly splendid and a sign I believe that everything shall be alright.